Decisions, Decisions.....

I'm getting abit rusty at this old blogger lark, it's been a while! So what have I been up to this past month? Busy, busy, busy.....then I get struck down with a dreaded summer lurgy.

Sometimes the best thing about being hectic busy is that you just don't get the chance to stop and focus on things going on around you, instead going full steam ahead and almost using it as an excuse to have tunnel vision from all the crap of every day life.

When your busy, all you can think of is 'I need a break...' then when you get a break (or rather when I do) I start wishing I was busy again. I've pretty much been at home this past week with a summer flu and all I have had time to do is think. Quite frankly, it is driving me insane!

I have all these what ifs...? swimming around in my head and I just can't make a decision on what it is I actually want. These past few months I've been of the notion that I need to have some sort of change in my life, but because I've been so busy trying to keep on top of all the every day stuff it has kind of been put on the back burner. But, is this because I really don't need things to change and I am secretly worried about being happy in my now familiar daily routine and becoming dull and old? Or is it because I do actually need to make a drastic change to my (sometimes dismal) life - and this is what is scaring the crap out of me?

What if I make a change - and it's for the worse? What if I make the biggest mistake ever? I guess the biggest decision rattling round in my head is do I stay or do I go? I've kind of figured out that I shouldn't go travelling, as I know in my heart I would just be using it to run away from my problems and I'm not so sure once I start running if I'll ever come back. But, how much do I love my life? A part of me thinks it would be nice to just sell up, start afresh somewhere completely new and just try something completely different. Then the other part of me thinks do I really want things to change that much? Maybe I just need to mix it up abit and inject some fun and oomph into my surroundings.

Whatever the decision, it doesn't have to be made today or even this year - but I should probably try to at least start heading in the right direction soon, before I wake up one day with grey hairs and wrinkles galore and realise I have wasted my life wishing of things I could have done.

Drifting on an open road...

So, I've come to the conclusion that I need a change in my life but even after two days of pondering I'm still finding myself sat at this crossroads and fear I may start choking on the fumes if I don't start moving soon.

I've been trying to put my works methodology into practice & have been mentally sifting through the different aspects of my life in the hope of reaching some kind of 'ker-ching' light bulb flashing moment. The result so far? I think I have realised that even though I am not overly happy at this moment in time, I don't actually hate my life either. The problem is I am drifting.

I am so scared of making plans and getting let down, that I just stopped bothering a long time ago. Surely if you don't make any plans then you can never be disappointed? You just take each day as it comes putting a smile on your face and a spring in your step... Except I think my so called non-exsistent plan is starting to crumble before my eyes.

But, alas, every cloud has a silver lining they say. I refuse to be downtrodden - where there is a will there is a way - and the biggest part of any plan is knowing what it is you are heading towards.

My silver lining I believe is coming in the shape of a lighter dawn descending on us....what am I talking about you say? Early morning running!

I can honestly say some of my best laid plans, when I have made them on select occasions, have always come to fruition whilst pounding the streets. I don't know what it is with running, I know I shouldn't be doing it under doctors orders, but I feel so uplifted and positive I genuinely take on an inner glow, where I believe anything is possible.

Who knows, maybe dusting off my trainers again will help to enlighten me into choosing which is the correct path for me. Even if it doesn't give me 100% certainty at least I may actually start drifting in the right direction.....

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Eenie, Meenie, Miney, Moe......

Drum roll please......it's a new dawn, on a new day, in a new year with new resolutions - fast forward 6 weeks and is 2011 full of the joys of wonder that I thought it would be? Or is 2011 just the same as 2010?

I'm afraid I would have to say the latter.....the only thing I have learnt is that I really don't know where the last six weeks have gone and it appears that if time keeps flying the way it is, I will soon be sipping egg nogs & tucking into turkey again.

I can feel the dreaded itch coming on again and fear this one is going to be a big one. Every now and then I go through periods where I feel like my life has stagnated and it seems to be losing it's added sparkle. I try to keep upbeat and look for at least one good thing in every day - but sometimes you can't help but reflect back and think - was that it? I'm sure I was not put on this earth to sit at a desk 9 - 5 bored out of my skull constantly wishing my life away.

I am coming to that all important point in life where I have reached a cross roads and something seriously needs to change before the twinkle disappears forever and I am sucked down into the monotonous routine that is otherwise known as the 'rat-race'.

The thoughts going through my mind at the moment will see me heading in one of two directions. I can either flick the indicator right and go for something completely different - this option I envisage all my personal items sold apart from a few essentials in a back pack, heading into the big wide yonder to do some serious travelling, to just disappear from all that is every day life. Or I can listen to the voice of reason and head left - thus finding a job that will give me both enjoyment and fulfill my ever growing thirst for knowledge and help me progress in my career (or to be more realistic to actually start a career!)

I feel like I'm stuck in the middle - where on my left is the angel with halo, telling me to hang on and be reasonable - yet on the right is a mini me in devil get-up telling me to let my inner mischievousness free and go make the most of what is out there.

I'm guessing the hardest thing is that I don't actually know what I want myself - and if I don't know then who the hell will? Does anybody go through life knowing exactly what they want? Or are we all fumbling around in the dark completely clueless as am I?

I think I need to give this some serious thought. I'm guessing the first option would make me feel good in the short run - but what if I never want to return? This scares the hell out of me as I fear this would actually happen if I left, whereas at the same time I don't know if I really have the balls to go through with this or if it is all just a fantasy. Another thought is this could be the pre-onset of a mid life crisis as in the oh-my-god-I'm-almost-thirty-and-what-have-I-done-with-my-life crisis.

Lets watch this space and see what happens, maybe I'm due my miracle any day now.......!